Goodbye Big Brown Bathtub

William and I have signed a new lease and are departing for a new apartment on the North Side.  While I’m looking forward to the features of the new apartment, there is one particular element of our old place I’ve come to love in that way you can only love odd features in weird old apartments-

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The Big Brown Bathtub

Goodbye, Big Brown Bathtub
By Elizabeth Morgan

Goodbye, Big Brown Bathtub
I remember when we met
I stared at you in disbelief
Hardly a moment of Kismet

“A big brown bathtub!”
I exclaimed. “What a horrid sight!
Howe’er will I design a space
to incorporate your blight?!”

I called my mother instantly,
Overwhelmed with a sense of doom.
This hulking beast
This lurking blot
Was stinking up my bathroom.

“Tell me about the apartment,”
Mom said. “I can’t wait to help when we come to town.”
I said, “The kitchen is big, and the street is so cute.
But the bathtub is dark poopy brown!”

My husband said, “You must calm down
In the scheme of things, this is not an issue.”
“YOU SILLY MAN.
YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.
Now please hand me a tissue.”

My friends said, “Just think! It will hide all the stains.
You’ll need to clean it less.”
Yet in your diabolical way
You revealed MORE of a mess.

Even cleaning products seemed to stick
Upon your dark brown sides.
“What evil is this!?”
I shouted at you.
What’s wrong with a little house pride?

And yet, as time went on
And I adjusted to your presence
With a coat of taupe paint
And a dash of restraint
I was starting to find you quite pleasant.

I stared at you, disbelief in my eyes,
One hand leaning on the bathroom shelf.
“You’re out of date. You’re finish ain’t great…
But I like ya, in spite of myself.”

You warmed up the room.
Patiently stood by
Through all that a bathtub must witness.
Your dark corners will never reveal
The least attractive parts of my bidness

It’s gotten to the point
As I look through my Pinterest
That white bathtubs somehow look loco.
White is so boring!
Look what you’re ignoring!
What color is more luxurious than cocoa?

We’ve shared a lot
In our short time together
Bubbles, books, tears, and glasses of wine
I’m sure you will miss my En Shower performance
Of the scores to Gypsy and A Chorus Line.

Yet bathtub it’s time
That we go our separate ways
er…I guess, that leaves me for the walking
There’s not much you can do
With your no legs to my two
Not to mention all the caulking

Well, the packing’s begun
Bathtub, it was fun.
Still I must leave you in situ
But Bathtub, Just know
As your waters abundantly flow
How hard it was for me to quit you.

The new place is great!
It has features I’ve longed for
And the time is approaching so soon it
won’t be long before I get what I’ve dreamed of
Washer dryer in unit.

But someday, perhaps twenty years from now
I may build a brand new house
We’ll gather our plans and blueprints and such
Just me, an architect and my Spouse.
We pencil in features we’ve wanted to add: french doors, walk in closets, lovely shrubs.
But with a tear in my eye
And a pining sigh
I’ll say, “I once had a Big Brown Bathtub…”

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