I almost cancelled an audition.
Usually when I cancel an audition it’s because I got bad vibes from the producers, or I got cast in something else, or I’m sick as a dog. That’s usually it.
But not this time. This time it had nothing at all to do with the theatre company or anything. On Tuesday, I found out my day job is “being eliminated.” I have some time before my last day, which is good. But still, it felt like this train came to a screeching halt.
My first instict, for some reason, was CLEAR ALL SCHEDULES NOW. Mental sirens screaming for life lockdown.
So that meant cancel that audition. Which I didn’t do, but I planned on it.
I thought, Only with this day job can I guarantee my availability. I don’t know what I’m doing now. I don’t know what my schedule looks like. I don’t know anything!
I am a very honest and rule-abiding person, which doesn’t always serve particularly well when you are trying to make it as an actor. But that’s how I roll. So it makes me physically nauseous to think that I will be filling out a conflict form with very little idea about what my future holds. Of course ideally, a show would take precedence because I am potentially a part of that first and ultimately it is my intended career path.
But a girl has to pay bills, too. So in all honesty, I don’t know if I can hold to the ideal. And that makes me sick.
Which is why I was going to cancel the audition.
But I’m auditioning for something I truly believe in. And I don’t know what the future will hold.
This has been an incredibly hard week for me. And it would be safer to not go to this audition. But I’m going to go.