These Boots Weren’t Made for Winter

I need a winter boot.

For most people, this would be the sort of thing you say breezily on a Saturday afternoon. Then you wander into the kitchen to make a sandwich. Then you say, “Well. I think I’ll go to Target and buy some boots.” And that’s that.

Not for me. I have to make a big frickin’ production out of the whole thing. Oh, I know. It’s obnoxious.

I research and price shop and haggle and waver and then drop the whole thing. And then it hits 40 degrees and I forget about it. And then it drops to 2 below and I remember.

What I require, that is so hard to achieve, is style. If I’m going to drop cash on boots, they better make my legs looks fabulous.

Not like rubber.

And not like I don’t have ankles.

If we could but journey back to 2003 when Cameron Diaz appeared in a papparazzi shot wearing uggs with shorts, I imagine the people at Ye Olde Ugg Company were bemused. “Look,” they might have said, gathered around the sheep pen, looking at a copy of People magazine, “Cameron Diaz has on our boots with shorts. That’s weird.”
A style move, I might add, that has celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe written all over it.

Look at her!
She’s a lizard! Only a reptile would think to put mukluks with a pair of cutoffs. That is Mesozoic-era thinking. Why else would she need to retain so much heat in the California sun? Let’s just hope that Uggs die out like their megafauna counterparts.

Sidebar: I don’t know when zoologists are going to creep out of the jungles, caves, and swamps and realize that the creatures of legend are alive and well in Hollywood. I can’t be responsible for making these pithy observations. I’m trying to, you know, WORK over here…and stare at the ceiling and stuff.

The point is, I require style. That’s it. Not style AND brand name, or style AND a certain level of panache. Just style. Some people would argue that style and brand name go hand in hand, but those people are fools. And uncreative.

For I will seek out my fashion prey, and I will hunt it down, and then I will bargain shop. And when I find the best price, even then, I will slap it around a bit. I call this “Abusive Shopping” and I highly recommend it. It’s great fun.

As far as Battle Boot goes, I thought I had found the solution: riding boots. Elegant, practical, you can layer, etc.
But they can’t take it. they just can’t handle a Midwestern winter. They can’t the salt and they are slippery on the ice. And now, I’ve so beaten my riding boots to hell, that the black ones are literally screaming at the sides. They look like they are whispering nasty things to me out the side of their, er, mouths…so to speak. And the poor brown ones, though better in form, have very chapped lips and a sort of salty mustache.

So I still seek my personal Eldorado: The Stylish and Warm Winter Boot.
My requirements:
1. Self-evident, but worthy of repeating, Warm
2. Water resistant, preferably -proof
3. Not heeled
4. A sole with traction. Personally, I have a soul with traction, but I still slip and fall. *Wink*
5. Good-looking. And here’s the thing, not “Good-looking for a winter boot,” but just plain ol’ “Good-looking” with no qualifiers.
6. Should be somewhat neutral and match my coat, but we can get into that over negotiations. Right now, I’m just looking to take a pair out to lunch.

So I’m cold. And I’m bootless. But lucky for me, I’m warm-blooded. Reeow.


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